dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
