After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize