I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
