my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
