I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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