I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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