i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
