All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
