I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
