What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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