We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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