my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
