Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
