Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(909): View more from California

I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.

Fav 22 3650 903
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(336): View more from North Carolina

i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed

Fav 20 5338 1473
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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

Fav 42 13465 1460
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.

Fav 17 3478 1014
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(806): View more from Texas

Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.

Fav 9 4559 1265
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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

Fav 41 2414 5893
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(713): View more from Texas

After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.

Fav 4 2814 1252
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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

Fav 15 3300 784
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(425): View more from Washington

So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy

Fav 1 5 137
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