Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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