my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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