Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
