i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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