He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
