I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
