He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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