You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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