He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
