Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize