I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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