you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize