i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've blown a few things in my day
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
