Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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