I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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