You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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