Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
