did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
