Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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