I accidentally burped into my bong.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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