Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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