I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
