Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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