You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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