Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
