we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
