beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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