at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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