Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize