i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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