12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
