I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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