Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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