the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
