wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
