I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just pee around me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
