I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
