you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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