Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
