Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
