I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
