a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
FUCK WHALES
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
