the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
