Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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