Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Randomize
