sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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