It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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