And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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