my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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