Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
