she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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