I hate all girls vehemently.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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