whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
