dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
