R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
