We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
