but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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