Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So many bounce houses so little time
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
