My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am spending my child support on dildos
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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