sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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