I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
